She Saw Through Me
by KenDORK772
Summary: Kendall has been a mess ever since they cancelled his TV show. Now his dreams were crushed. He hasn't talked to his family in a year, and his bestfriends and ex co-stars are scared for his life, since all he cares about now is getting drunk or high. Until he meets Lou, and everything changes. Kendall wants to protect her, and Lou wants to save him. M for language and mature themes.
1. Mugging

**So this is my first attempt at fan fiction, so reviews would be awesomeeeeee. I know things look bleak for Kendall, but they'll get better. Maybe ;). Constructive criticism is also encouraged. Hope you like it, or at least think its a good idea. Here's a better synopsis: **

_Kendall ruined his own life. After drinking and snorting any hope of being a famous singer away, he finds himself severely depressed and washed up at age 22. One evening, when Kendall reluctantly steps in to stop a mugging, he meets Lou, a beautiful and friendly girl, who couldn't be more his opposite, and who tragically, lost her sight due to a rare disease. Lou takes it upon herself to help heal Kendall's heart, and to show him how truly lucky he is, while Kendall struggles to comprehend his feelings for a girl who will never see his face. This is a story about being rescued, and finding the beauty that shines within._

**_'I don't need to look at you to know you're beautiful Kendall. I can hear it in your voice. I can feel it in the way you touch me. All that you are now is a lie! Its so ironic that the one person who can see right through you, can't even see you at all!'_**

* * *

My name is Kendall Schmidt. There's a chance you may have heard of me, but you probably haven't. I've spent most of this year drinking, smoking and snorting away any chance I had at fulfilling my dreams. I auditioned for the show Big Time Rush around three years ago, and after a painful two-year audition process, I finally landed a main roll. I was ecstatic. I finally got to sing and act, and not only that, people would actually get to see me do it. I up and moved my whole life to L.A after that, and that's when everything went to hell. The show just wasn't working, it wasn't what the writers had hoped it would have been. They blamed it on our lack of acting experience and they let us go, just like that. All four of us, me, Carlos, James and Logan. We'd only filmed half of a season and our dreams were already crushed.

I could blame my downfall on the pressures of Hollywood, but honestly, it was just me being a dick. That and the fact that my next-door neighbour was a coke dealer. It was too easy for me to just knock on his door that day. My 'co-stars' are all I have left. My family haven't spoken to me in a year, but my best friends were still looking out for me. We stuck together after the show, and scrambled together what little dignity we had left to try and keep the band going. So far it wasn't working, and my situation wasn't helping the matter.

I hated myself. I promised the guys that I'd stop, but what reason did I have now? Drugs were my only reason to get out of bed in the morning and drink was the only thing I looked forward to. I refused any suggestion of rehab, claiming I didn't have a problem, that I could stop any time I wanted to. I was such a cliché.

It was around midnight when the doorman threw me out of the bar. Apparently drinking my entire body weight in Jack Daniels and then punching a waiter wasn't acceptable. Which is why I was now sitting alone in a dark alley, with nothing but my thoughts. I clumsily checked my phone. I had seven missed calls from Carlos, trying to check up on me like my fucking mother no doubt. I hit re dial and tried to compose myself. He answered on the second ring.

"Kendall, where the fuck are you man!?" he sounded angry, but I couldn't remember the last time I'd spoken to Carlos and he wasn't angry with me.

"Where'd you think!"

"Which bar, I'll come and get you." I could hear him muttering his apologies to his girlfriend on the other end of the phone. I made out something that must have been 'He's drunk again.'

"I'm not a fucking child Carlos! I don't need an escort. I'll see you round." I'd had enough. I knew I was a failure and I knew how much people despised me. I didn't want Carlos or any of the guys rallying around me. I didn't want them to have to pick me up out of the gutter with concern in their eyes, like they had millions times before. That hurt more than any of the shit that had happened. Knowing that they'd gone through the same things as me, and managed to stay grounded. The fact that they were still pushing for their dreams and still cared about me through all of this made me feel weak. I wish they didn't care, at least then it'd be easier to live with myself.

I dragged myself to my feet and rested against a wall. I raised a hand to my face and rubbed my sore eye. They waiter hadn't taking lightly to me hitting on his sister, so I'd hit him, for no reason other than it felt good to let out some of my anger. Unfortunately for me though, he'd hit back twice as hard. I could already feel the beginnings of a bruise.

Without thinking I pulled out a small plastic bag from inside my jacket and opened the seal. I dipped a finger into the fine white powder and placed in on my tongue. There was no way I was going to risk fixing a line anywhere in public, so I put the bag away and rubbed the residue into my gums as I stumbled my way further into the alley. As long as I could find a road I could get a cab, but I had to find a road first.

I almost forgot how wrecked I was when I heard a girl screaming. I froze on the spot and my heart started racing. I'd heard about people getting mugged and women getting raped around L.A, but I didn't think I'd ever be around when it happened. I reluctantly pushed forward into the alley, as quickly and as quietly as I could in my state. I hadn't gotten far when I saw her. She was being held against a wall by a large homeless man. He was pointing a knife at her throat as she fumbled inside her bag, presumably for her purse. I inched even closer, I thought my legs were going give way.

"Hey!" I tried the best I could to yell, but my voice failed me. I had hoped he'd run the second he saw me, but he stayed where he was. His evil eyes bore into me, but he held the knife firmly in place. The girl looked terrified as he tore her from the wall to stand in front of him, the knife now pointed at her back.

"You think you're gonna fight me off pretty boy? You can barely stand." His voice almost snarled out of him.

"No I don't. But I've already called the police, so I can just let them do it." I lied through my teeth, and prayed that my shaky voice hadn't given me away. I kept my eyes locked on his as I saw them lose their confidence. In one swift motion he tore the girls purse from her hand, and threw her to the ground in front of him. I'd barely watched her fall when he ran from the alley and out of sight. I hoped I'd remember his face in the morning, at least then I could make an anonymous report over the phone. I was still a good guy, but I didn't need any unintentional run in's with the police.

"Are you ok?" I asked the shaking girl as I took her hands and pulled her to her feet, trying my best to stay on mine. She was around my age, maybe slightly younger. She wasn't particularly tall and she had shoulder length blonde hair twisted up into tight curls. She was actually very beautiful, I think. I didn't usually trust my concept of beauty when I was in this state, but I was fairly certain that she was.

"I guess. Is he gone?" She didn't seem as shaken anymore, considering she had a knife at her throat only seconds ago.

"Yeah, he took off." She let out a sigh of relief and said nothing else for a while, she just stared blankly ahead of her.

"What's your name?" She asked, still routed to the spot. I was slightly worried about her, she seemed as completely out of it as I felt.

"Kendall, and yours?"

"Elouise. But call me Lou. Could you help me find my stuff Kendall? I mean, if you can that is." Clearly she'd seen right threw my fake sobriety. But now I was even more confused. All she'd had with her when I spotted her was a handbag, and that was sitting at her feet. There was what looked like a black walking cane on the ground behind her, but I just assumed that was here before hand. Unless…

"Yeah, this is slightly awkward but, I can't see. I'm actually blind. And I've kind of lost my bearings, so, a little help please Kendall?" I couldn't say a thing. It never occurred to me that she could have been blind, it's just not something you can comprehend in this kind of situation. Mugging a young blind girl – the thought made me sick to my stomach. I put ever ounce of focus I had into bending down and retrieving her cane and handing her her bag. She fumbled awkwardly with the strap of her bag but handled the cane like it was the easiest thing in the world to her. Maybe it was.

"Thank you. For all of this. He took my money, but I'd rather have my life." She was smiling now. "I can tell it wasn't easy for you as well, being as drunk as you are."

"You can tell that I'm drunk?" I couldn't tell if I was baffled by her, or just uncomfortable, considering I'd never met a blind person before.

"Of course. I can still hear your words slurring, I don't need to see you to know that you're fucked." She was laughing at me now, and looking directly at me. I guess the sound of my voice alerted her to my position. I couldn't speak again, partly because I had nothing to say and partly because I was conscience of my slurring words now. "Goodbye then." She said sarcastically as she turned on her heels and heading in the direction I assume she was going before. Something in me snapped. I was worried for this girl's safety. She was a few yards away from me before I called after her.

"Lou wait, let me walk you to the street!" I did my best to run after her, and it took all of my concentration not to trip over my own feet. I was starting to feel the effects of the tiny bit of coke I'd had earlier. When I slowed down behind her she turned to face me, a perfect smile on her face. She was definitely beautiful, I could tell I wasn't imagining it.

"You sure you can make it that far pretty boy?"

**Let me know what you think, next chapter is in the works :)**


	2. Realization

**Yay for chapter 2! I have some sick idea's for this, and I have a feeling I'll keep writing even if you all hate it. Reviews would be amazing guys**

* * *

Between me being completely out of it, and my only company being a blind girl, it took us a while to find our way out of the alley. We walked silently for a long time before I finally saw streetlights, and heard the sound of passing cars. I glanced over at Lou, willing my brain to focus on her instead of the intense rush I was now fighting. My vision blurred in and out of focus as I watched her effortlessly guide her way towards the street. I wish I'd never done that coke. If I were only drunk I could have handled this, but I could barely put one foot in front of the other. I couldn't believe that out of both of us, I was the more vulnerable one.

"Are you okay Kendall, you sound like you're about to pass out?" She asked with a hint of humor in her voice. I hadn't noticed how ragged me breathing had become, and now that she'd mentioned it, I did feel like I was going to pass out. She must be a pretty tough chick considering she was just held at knifepoint, and her only protection now was completely unstable, if she still found any part of this situation funny.

"I'm fine. I'll find you a cab." We'd just reached the end of the alley, but the street seemed deserted. I was kidding myself if I thought we were going to find a cab around here.

"I was actually about to call my friend for a ride home, but that jerk took my phone. And all of my cash." She looked concerned now. I would be too, if all I had to rely on was me. I mentally kicked myself again for taking that coke, and racked my brain for an answer. My heart was beating uncontrollably and my head was spinning, my only option was Carlos. After several failed attempts I finally managed to dial Carlos's number and shakily held the phone to my ear, my breathing even worse than before.

"Kendall seriously, you sound like you're dying!" Lou asked clutching her bag to her chest. Before I had time to reply, Carlos answered.

"Kendall! Seriously, where the fuck are you!?" He sounded even more furious now, his voice raspy like he'd just been asleep. My vision clouded again and I broke out in a sweat, I felt like my blood was boiling. I couldn't take it anymore, I dropped to my knees and felt myself slipping away. I was used to the feeling of fainting. The way you feel like you're about to die, yet you couldn't be happier about it. So many times I wished it was real, but I always opened my eyes at some point

"The usual place. Come quick…" Was all I could get out before everything went dark.

* * *

_I could hear her screaming. I was running through the alley towards the sound. For the first time in months my head was clear, I could see where I was going and my legs were actually working. It felt liberating. I felt like me again. Then I saw her on the ground. She was on her knees crying, her face in her hands. I tried to ask her what was wrong, but no sound came out of me. I was just watching. That was when I noticed her hands were wet with blood, and so were the ends of her blonde hair. They almost looked black in the moonlight. She looked up at me, and my body convulsed under her gaze. Her face was soaked with blood, and where her eyes should be were empty sockets, as hollow and as black as the blood oozing out of them._

I sat bolt upright, my heart pounding out of my chest and my body soaked with sweat. What the fuck had I dreamt? Doing coke usually brought on some messed up dreams, but none like this. I was shaking all over. I glanced around and noticed I was at Carlos'. Thank god for him. I felt sick to think of what I must have looked like last night when he found me. My mind went instantly to Elouise. What had happened to her? I checked the room again, but she wasn't here, not that I was surprised. I bet all girls relish the idea of staying in a stranger's house while his waster friend lies passed out on the couch, let alone a blind one. I instantly hated myself. If I weren't in such a state, last night would have gone very differently. I would have kicked that low life's ass, put her into a cab and she would have been fine, instead that poor girl had to stand there, alone and scared, while I lay unconscious at her feet. I made myself sick. In fact I was going to be sick. I rushed through the living room and threw myself through the door of the bathroom. I'd barely fallen to my knees when my already empty stomach emptied further into the toilet. Nothing came out of me, fluid and bile burned at the back of my throat. I tried to remember the last time I'd eaten anything, but I couldn't. My whole life was becoming one huge blur, and I hated it. The retching finally stopped and I propped myself up against the wall, not trusting my weak body enough to get to my feet. A moment later I heard the door open, and Carlos step inside. I felt too ashamed to look him in the eye, so I just rested my elbows on my knees and looked at the ground.

"Have fun last night?" His voice was venomous. I didn't think it was possible, but he made me feel worse than I already did. I couldn't answer him. I closed my eyes tightly and willed myself not to cry. "I saw you made a friend too. I took her home in case you were wondering. But then again, that would involve you giving a shit about someone other than yourself." My will wasn't strong enough. I kept them shut but tears started streaming out of my eyes. He was finally saying to me what I knew one day he would. I already knew all of this about myself, but hearing it from Carlos was too much, he was my best friend. He didn't yell, or lecture me, he said it matter of factly, like the words meant nothing to him. And nothing hurt more. "I can't do this anymore Kendall. Clean yourself up and go home. Next time I won't be around to save your ass." Carlos stormed out of the bathroom without looking back and slammed the door behind him. I'd finally fucked up the only good thing in my life. I loved him like a brother, and now like the rest of my family, he hated me too.

I got out of there as quickly as I could. As I walked out into the street, the heat hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so weak. I fought the urge to drop where I was and headed in the direction of my place. I was about a half an hour walk, and I had no money for a cab. I checked my cell, it was just after seven am. Back in Minnesota my Mom would be getting up for work now, and my Dad would have already left. Part of me longed to be there with them, to be fast asleep in my old bed. I made a hasty decision and dialed my home number. I hadn't spoken to any of my family in a year after my Dad had basically disowned me. My mom answered after a few rings.

"Hello?" The sound of her voice broke my heart, I hadn't realized how much I missed her. I felt tears in my eyes again as I spoke.

"Mom…" I heard the sadness in my own voice. The line was quiet, for a moment I thought she'd hung up.

"Kendall, Is that you?"

"Yeah. H-how are you?" The tears were even worse now, so I slipped into an alley to avoid being seen. I heard her sob on the other end of the phone, and for a while we did nothing but cry to each other. I wish she were here me.

"Kendall honey, I never thought I'd here your voice again." She was sobbing uncontrollably, her words barely audible over the crackly connection.

"I'm so sorry Mom. I've really fucked up." I slid to the ground and rested my head against the wall. The line was silent for a long time.

"Come home." Was all she said.

"What?"

"Come home. We can get you through this. I'll talk to your father, he'll understand. You need to come home, I need to see your face." I could barely hear her muffled words as she cried absently and lowered her voice to a whisper.

"I can't." As much as I wanted to, running back to my parents was the easy way out. I got myself into this mess and I needed to get out of it. I needed to make amends with Carlos and the guys. I needed to sort out my career, and I couldn't do all of that from Minnesota. "I can't let the guys down." My crying had finally stopped. Realization had kicked in.

"You've already let them down!" She was screaming at me now, not out of anger, but out of desperation. "Kendall, you're a mess! California has destroyed you! You've let them down everyday for the past year! You haven't even called your family!"

"Mom-"

"If you stay there you're going to kill yourself! I won't bury my son!" Every word broke my heart. The tears began to fall again and every inch of me wished I were back at home, with her arms around me telling me it was going to be okay. I was 22 years old, and I still wanted my Mom.

"I can't. I'm sorry Mom. I love you." I hung up before I could hear anymore. I put my hands to my face and took a few deep breaths. The tears continued to fall as I rocked back and forth on the spot. What had I done to myself? I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. I racked my brain, trying to think of a time before all of this, before Hollywood, back when I was happy. The idea of being happy was a distant memory now. I'd give anything to feel that again. To feel anything that wasn't hatred or self-loathing. I stumbled to my feet and broke out into a run, hoping I could leave all of this behind me. Hoping I could leave the coked up drunk version of me lying in the gutter where he belonged.

**I promise I'll make Kendall happier soon. Lou will be coming back, so who knows how that's gonna go ;)**


	3. Promise

**Chapter 3! Reviews are still encouraged :P**

The next week was the hardest. I spent most of it locked in my apartment, staring blankly up at the ceiling, trying to think about anything but the fact that all I had to do was walk across the hall and I could make this nightmare go away. But I didn't. I spent the first two days in bed, only moving to run to the bathroom, which usually resulted in me dry heaving a few times into the toilet before collapsing from lack of energy. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything. I lost consciousness a little too often, and each time woke up feeling worse than I had before. It was a nightmare that wouldn't end. I barely slept. I was either too hot or too cold. But the worst part of it was psychological. I felt as though my whole body was being beaten up from in the inside. Everything hurt, even though I knew I hadn't physically injured myself. I can't imagine a worse torture, I wouldn't wish the feeling on my worst enemy. But it got easier. Four days into it and I even managed to order a pizza. I slowly got into a routine. I went to bed at ten and got up at nine, even if I hadn't slept a wink all night. I ate three meals a day and drank plenty of water. I felt better, but it was still like something was missing, that was how I knew I wasn't through this just yet. I called my family once or twice, to let them know how I was. James and Logan even put their hatred aside long enough to talk to me on the phone. I'd tried, but Carlos still wouldn't answer my calls. On the fifth day I slipped up and drank an entire bottle of whisky, but all it did was take the edge off. I didn't want to give up too much too fast. I wasn't until a few days after that I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I looked normal. My eyes weren't red and bloodshot, and there were no dark circles underneath them. My skin no longer looked grey and lifeless, but had a pink glow to it. I felt myself smile reluctantly as I thought about what I'd done. I'd taken the first step to getting clean, and from what I'd heard, that was always the hardest.

* * *

When I left my apartment I didn't expect to find myself standing on Carlos' doorstep. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to show him what I'd done, and prove to him that I was trying to be better person, and that I could be a better friend, but I couldn't bring myself to knock on his door. In the end I didn't have to. He opened the door and stepped outside to face me. He'd obviously seen me through the window. He had little to no emotion on his face, and I hated that I'd made him look that way. He was always so happy and full of life, being upset just didn't suit him at all.

"What do you want Kendall?" He stayed where he was, his face unchanging as he took in my appearance. I'd been bothered to shower today and I was actually wearing clean clothes, I bet he barely recognised me. I wasted no time in my confession.

"You were right, I'm an ass hole who only cares about himself. But that's going to change I swear. I-I'm trying to stop. I promise."

"You've promised us a thousand times before Kendall, how do I know your not full of shit again?"

"I haven't touched the stuff all week I swear! It's going to take some time though, I just need you and the guys to be patient with me." I was practically begging him with the tone in my voice. I sounded desperate, and in a way I was. I wanted to get clean, but I needed Carlos, I couldn't do this by myself.

"Have you had a drink?" I just looked at the ground, I couldn't lie to him and didn't want to see the disappointment in his face. But he just carried on. "You do realize what you've done to me? I've been worried sick about you for months! You nearly wrecked my relationship! Savannah almost kicked me out! It's been too much of a burden for her." He sounded assertive, like he was trying to drill the information into me. He hadn't said anything I didn't already know. He sighed and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Kendall, you're my best friend, and I'll help you through this. But you have to promise me this is it! If you're serious about getting clean, then do it, and don't let this happen to you again!" His grip on my shoulders tightened. I noticed the tears in his eyes around the same time mine started to fall.

"I'm gonna do this Carlos." Was all I had time to say before he pulled me into a fierce hug.

* * *

"I still can't believe you actually stopped a mugging." Carlos joked as he walked from the kitchen carrying two cups of coffee.

"Well I wouldn't say stopped. He still took her stuff, but at least he didn't kill either of us." I shrugged it off and took the cup from him. I'd been filling him in on what happened that night he came to my rescue, and the more we discussed it, the more curious I became about what had happened to Lou.

"Still, if you hadn't been there who knows what he might have done. Mugging a blind girl – that's lower than low." He shook his head slowly, considering this then took a long drink from his cup. I'd waited too long for him to bring her up now, I needed to know what had happened.

"So…what happened to her? The girl from the alley?" Carlos just smiled at me. He could tell I'd been dying to ask since he first brought up the mugging.

"Well, when I found you you were unconscious, and she was just sitting on the curb next to you. When I jumped out of the car I called your name, and she asked if it had been me you'd spoken to on the phone before you fainted. She filled me in, and I insisted on driving her home, she doesn't live far from you actually. She told me her phone was stolen so she gave me her home number so I'd be able to check on her the next day. She sounded fine when we spoke, I'm guessing she's a tough one. You want the number?" He took another drink from his cup and took his cell from his pocket. He knew me too well.

"Yeah, thanks. I'd like to see how she is. I feel terrible, she's the blind one and she ended up taking care of _me_." He laughed to himself as I typed the number into my own cell.

"She can join the club. We should call ourselves the Kendall Schmidt day care service." I couldn't help but laugh. He was already back to his old self. I made a mental note to call her later, and saved the number under L.

* * *

I was being ridiculous. I'd been staring at my phone for ten minutes trying to build up the courage to call her. Truthfully I was embarrassed. I'd been a complete state that night, and I doubted she even wanted to talk to me. Against my better judgement, I hit dial and nervously waited for her to answer.

"Hello?"

"H-Hi, is that Elouise?"

"Yeah this is Lou, who's this?"

"Its Kendall. From the alley last week." I don't know what I expected her to say. I'd be pretty freaked out if a complete stranger had called me out of the blue as well. Only she didn't sound freaked out.

"Ah my saviour! Well this is unexpected. How'd you get my number?" She had that same tone of humour in her voice she'd had in the alley, I wondered if this girl ever took anything seriously or if it was just me she found funny.

"My friend Carlos, the guy who drove you home. I just wanted to check that you were okay, and I kind of wanted to apologise." I hated how nervous I sounded, I could here the embarrassment in my voice. I mentally kicked myself again.

"Apologise for what? Saving my ass? Anyway shouldn't I be asking if you're okay? Considering I had to sit next to your unconscious body for about twenty minutes." She was laughing again, and I couldn't help but laugh back. I guess it was me she found funny.

"Yeah I'm fine. I'd just had a rough night. That's why I wanted to apologise, I didn't exactly do a very good job at keeping you safe."

"Actually, you did. You really helped me out Kendall, and I'm grateful. You could have easily just walked away. Its not like I would have known right?" I didn't know what to say to her. I'd almost forgotten she was blind, she seemed like a regular girl. Not that she wasn't, I just never imagined someone with such an intense disability to be so happy and carefree. I envied her in a way. "Listen, do you maybe want to go get a drink? My treat. I'd like to thank you in person." Given the circumstances, I didn't think it was the best idea, but part of me really wanted to go. I didn't know if it was the idea of seeing Lou or the idea of a drink that had me leaning towards yes.

"Honestly, you don't need to thank me."

"Come on! Its just one drink." She was a breath of fresh air. I couldn't remember the last time I'd hung out with a girl. If random hook ups didn't count, which I assumed they didn't. I actually wanted to see this girl, it wasn't just the alcohol I wanted. I felt my self smiling.

"How about coffee instead?" I suggested. She burst out laughing on the other end of the phone.

"I didn't think you were so tame Kendall. But, yeah sure. Carlos told me your place was down the road from mine, do you know the starbucks on the corner?"

"Yeah I know it."

"Great, I'll meet you there in half an hour. See you!" She practically sang as she hung up the phone. I couldn't believe it, I was actually excited to go for coffee. Things were definitely looking better.

**Hurray for happier Kendall :)! Next chapter soon!**


	4. Coffee

**Review, review, review ;)**

I couldn't believe how nervous I was. I'd left pretty much as soon as she hung up the phone, I only had time to fix my hair and put on a different shirt. The fact that I'd made myself look presentable to go to coffee with a blind girl seemed ridiculous, but it had been my first instinct. I'd been sitting at a small booth near the window for around twenty minutes, occasionally stirring and staring into my coffee. I didn't like how vulnerable I felt. Usually if I felt pressured or stressed I'd be drunk or high before it could even take effect on me, but I was sober, and I was on my own. What if I was dull, or came across as an ass hole? I'd been told I was so many times since I came to LA, I actually believed it. I could barely remember who I was before all of this. How was I supposed to be myself around someone if I had no idea who I was? I chewed my nails nervously wishing I had something to take the edge off, but I pushed those dangerous thoughts out of my head as soon as I saw her walk past the window and through the door. She looked great. She was wearing a pair of denim shorts and a tank top decorated with some sort of band logo, I couldn't quite make it out. Her hair had been curly the last time I saw her, but it was straight now, hanging just below her shoulders. She looked like every other girl I'd ever seen in LA, the only thing that stood her apart was the same cane I had handed back to her in the alley last week. I thought she'd been beautiful last time we'd met, but it was actually an understatement. She had a quirkiness about her that I found endearing, and a spring in her step that made her look as though she couldn't give a fuck about what anyone thought of her, and I really admired that. I found myself smiling just seeing her.

"Lou!" I called over to her as she stepped into the shop. I caught her attention straight away. Her head snapped in my direction and she beamed at me from across the booths. I got to my feet, unsure of what to do. Should I go and help her? Should I move closer to her? Should I give her step-by-step instructions on how to reach me? I was clueless. But before I could react, she weaved her way through the tables and chairs as easily as any other person would. She got a few looks from the people around her, but she didn't stop or slow. Before I knew it she was standing opposite me, my mouth agape, wondering how the hell she'd managed it. I noticed now that the band on her tank top was The Beatles – this girl has taste. They were my favourite band of all time.

"Hi Kendall." She extended her hand to me. It seemed fairly formal but I shook it anyway.

"Hey. Can I get you a drink?" I asked politely as she rested her cane against the window.

"No that's okay, I did say it was my treat. I bet you already have one don't you?" She began walking towards the counter, and I couldn't help but worry about her walking without her cane. I felt like an ass hole already and we'd barely even had a conversation.

"Yeah I do. Sorry." Yet again she effortlessly weaved around the booths and up to counter. She didn't need the cane at all.

"That's okay, I'll get the next one." She smiled at me over her shoulder before making her order. She exchanged a few pleasantries with the guy behind the till before he handed her her cup and she headed back over towards me. I guessed that she was a bit of a regular and that the staff remembered her. After all who could possibly forget about the beautiful, blonde blind girl? When she reached me she put her cup down next to mine and slide into the booth with ease.

"Bet you thought I was gonna fall or something. I'm not really blind! You should see your face though, it's priceless!" I coughed into my cup, coffee splashing up and onto my face. I wasn't sure if I'd heard her right.

"What!? You're not- I –I thought-! I mean, you said you were-" I scrambled for the right words, trying not to sound like an absolute ass or shout loud obscenities at her in front of all these. people

"I'm fucking with you Kendall. I just come here a lot, I know my way around without the cane." When I realized she was kidding, I let out a long deep breath. I barely had time to comprehend the joke before she roared with laughter. She had a sense of humour about it, and I liked that, even if her joke was a little mean. I couldn't help but steadily chuckle along with her as she wiped tear away from her eyes and tried to control her laughter. We were barely into this and she already had me feeling like an idiot. Even so, I was just happy that it was going better than my dream, and that there had been tears coming out of her eyes instead of blood.

* * *

"You're kidding!?" I asked her laughing into my coffee.

"No I'm deadly serious! It was the funniest thing I've ever done!" She had just finished telling me about the time she and her friend had snuck into concert, and when they'd found out that she was blind they had felt bad about kicking her out, so the backstage team let her and her friend stay for the show. The more she told me about herself the more mischievous she sounded. She had also once 'accidentally' hit a guy in the balls with her cane when he tried hitting on her in a bar. I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed so much.

"So Kendall…" She asked me after we'd both finished laughing. "You never told me why is was you fainted the other night? Unless it's too personal, in which case I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked." She looked at me apologetically and took another sip of coffee. I'd been wondering when she was going to ask me, but I'd already decided not to lie to her. I wanted us to be friends, and I was trying to make a fresh start.

"It's okay. I want to tell you. Truth is I'm very recently, in the process of getting clean, and you caught me on one of my bad nights." All I could do was look down. It was becoming habit. Whenever I was scared I wouldn't like what someone was going to say to me, I looked away, not wanting to face up to what I'd done.

"So, what are we talking?" Was all she said. She seemed completely unfazed by my big confession.

"Whatever I could get my hands on. Coke mostly. And drink is a big problem too, that's why I suggested getting coffee. But I've been clean all week. Not so much from alcohol, but the hard stuffs gone, which was the most difficult part I guess." She stayed quiet and nodded slowly, taking in all of this new information. I knew I'd freak her out, maybe I shouldn't have said anything. All too quickly I was back to feeling ashamed of myself.

"So how did it start?" She asked me after sitting in silence for a while. She leaned forward on her elbows, her face full of concern and intrigue. She looked sympathetic, but not in a patronizing way. She made me want to tell her everything that had happened this year, which I'd never really said out loud to anybody. So I did. I told her every detail of the past year. From losing our TV show, to me knocking on my drug dealing neighbours door. Even how last week had felt when I'd given it up. When I'd finished, she slid her hand across the table towards me until our fingers met. She said nothing for a while and smiled at me softly.

"I'm sorry you've had to go through all of that. It can't have been easy. But there are more important things in life than being on TV Kendall." The way she spoke to me about this was different. I'd heard it all from my family and the guys, but they had just drilled me with threats and propositions. Lou just told me the facts, with no hint of anything in her voice. It could have been just a normal conversation.

"Trust me, I know that. But you can become so self absorbed when you're depressed. I've been selfish, and I'm really ashamed of that." Her grip on my hand tightened.

"I understand the depression thing, believe me. I actually understand it better than most. But you have so much more going for you than you realize. So don't be ashamed of the past, if you're leaving that behind you then who gives a fuck right? The important thing is that you're moving forward. And I bet no ones told you this yet so, congratulations Kendall." I soaked in her comforting words. It was like the best drug you could imagine. Having someone listen and understand made it all seem so much easier, and I felt even more confident that I was going to beat this. And I knew I definitely wanted to keep this girl around. I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, and contemplated asking her the question that had been on my lips since she sat down.

"Thank you." I let go of her hand and took a long drink from my cup, putting the next moment off as long as possible. I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. "As long as we're answering awkward questions, can I ask you one?"

"Macular Degeneration." She said with a smile on her lips. She knew right away what I was going to ask her. I felt even more stupid.

"What is that, if you don't mind me asking?" I even sounded like an idiot. My tone of voice the same you might use to tell a child that Santa isn't real. She shrugged it off and kept on.

"It a disease that makes the cells in your eyes deteriorate. I have the version that only 10 percent of people with the illness get, so it's pretty rare. It got really bad around a year and a half ago, so I went in for treatment. I had some laser surgery done and there were complications. I'd completely lost my sight about a month later." She sounded so at ease telling me the story, but I almost felt heart broken for her. It was so tragic and so rare, it was like she'd had the worst luck in the world. I instantly felt 3 millimetres tall. She had so much more to be depressed about than me, yet here she was, trying to make me feel better. I felt like a Hollywood cliché – poor famous boy turns to a life of drinking and drugs because things didn't turn out quite like he'd hoped.

"That's awful. I'm so sorry." I hated having to say I was sorry. It was such a pathetic word that in no way summed up how much my heart went out to her. She shrugged her shoulders and drained her cup.

"Don't be. It was hard for a while, but it happened, I've dealt with it and this is my life now. I can't change it, so it doesn't bother me anymore." Then she smiled the most genuine smile I think I've ever seen, and I knew that she meant every word. This girl was incredible. "Anyway, Kendall Schmidt…" She got to her feet and extended her hand out to me. I took it and pulled myself up. "…We need to get you happy again."

"After everything I've told you, you still want to hang out with me? I think you're a poor judge of character." I joked, but part of me was ecstatic that she still wanted to know.

"Actually, I'm an excellent judge of character. You're not the loser you think you are. I can see through you."

**Won't update for a couple of days, I'm off to London! But I have big ideas, so stay tuned. **


	5. Incredible

**Chapter 5! I know I keep asking, but please review! I literally have no idea what anyone thinks of this story. You'd really be helping me out :)**

"I thought the whole point of the 'make Kendall happy' plan was to do things that actually made me happy?" I yelled to Lou as we joined the back of the line that led into the club. The idea of setting foot in a club didn't sound like much fun to me, but Lou had insisted, and the more I protested the less likely it became that I was going to win the argument. So here we were, in a huge line, waiting to pay $25 entrance fee, and I couldn't even buy a drink when we got inside. This really wasn't how I wanted to spend the night.

"No Kendall, the point is to have fun. And what you need to realize is, is that you can still have fun in a club when you're sober! So stick with me, I'm staying sober just for you. So if I can enjoy myself in here, then you can too." She playfully looped her arm through mine and pulled me along as the line moved. It wasn't just us. Logan, James and Carlos came along for moral support. Lou had even invited a few friends along, including her best friend and roommate Emma. A month ago the only people I saw on a regular basis were Carlos, bartenders and my neighbour, and all of a sudden it was like I had a huge group of friends. Lou had been trying to help me out ever since we'd met, and I had to say that it was working. I'd hung out with Lou a lot since our coffee date a couple of weeks ago, and she'd kind of become mine, Carlos, James and Logan's unofficial mascot. She came round to watch movies, even though she couldn't really enjoy them properly. We all went out to dinner a lot, and hung out at the beach. I was starting to enjoy my life again, but most importantly, I'd been completely sober for almost a month.

The group of us reached the front of line what felt like an hour later, paid our overpriced entrance fee and pushed forwards into the club. The awful music instantly filled my ears, and made me wish I were anywhere else but here. Lou latched onto my arm and clung to me, I could feel her shaking as we walked deeper into the club and through crowds of people. I couldn't help wonder if this was her first time in a club since she lost her sight.

"Are you okay? You're shaking." I yelled into her ear.

"I'm fine. Just a little nervous." I broke away from her arm and pulled her in for a reassuring hug. I wasn't going to let anything happen to her. As we pulled apart Lou's friends rushed up behind us and quickly scanned the room.

"BAR!" Was all one of the girls screamed before they all ran to the far end of the club where a neon sign spelling 'drinks' hung. Carlos, James and Logan awkwardly walked in after them, probably unsure of what to do with themselves. Even though we were all the same age, I had been the only one of to see the appeal in drinking. Ever since I'd turned twenty-one it had been a necessity for me, and I was fairly certain that Carlos had never touched a drop in his life.

"Lets find somewhere to sit!" I called out to them over the music. They followed me shyly as I guided Lou and myself through the now packed club towards a row of tables near the back of the room.

* * *

I had no idea why we were still here. We had been sat at a large table now for an hour, and not one of us had made any effort to move. Conversation was out of the question considering we couldn't hear ourselves think, and none of us were drinking. Lou still looked nervous, the guys looked terrified, and quite honestly, I was bored.

"Should we just get out of here?" I yelled to no one in particular. Before anyone else could answer, Lou chimed in.

"NO! We're supposed to be having a good time remember?" She playfully hit me on the arm and got to her feet. She stood over me smiling and holding out her hand. "Lets dance!"

"No way! Never gonna happen!" Lou looked disappointed but kept gesturing for me to move. She wasn't going to let this go. "Lou I never agreed to dancing, sorry."

"Well I'm going, whether you're coming or not." She turned on her heels and made her way forwards. Before I even realised what I was doing, I was on my feet, and heading out after her, leaving the guys behind me. No matter how at ease she was with her disability, or how good she was at navigating herself around, she was still blind. She was still a young vulnerable girl, and I felt the need to protect her. I'd never felt more certain I had to do something in my life. She'd barely gotten three feet away from me before I slipped my arm around her and rested my hand on her waist.

"You're a pain in my ass, you know that?" I said into her ear as she faced up to smile at me. I thought I felt my heart beaten quicken, but I shook it off.

"Yep." She sang as reached behind her and placed her hand over the one I still had secured around her waist. As much as the idea of dancing repulsed me, I couldn't help but smile. Even in this situation I was genuinely happy, and I owed her so much for helping me to feel like this again. I gave her another reassuring squeeze as I led her towards the busy dance floor. Eventually I stopped in the least crowded spot I could find and turned to face her, she was already swaying slightly to the pounding music. As if sensing my nervousness she reached out and laced her finger through mine. As our fingers intertwined a million tiny shocks radiated through my hand. A prickling sensation ran across my palm and made its way up my arm. I felt myself get goose bumps despite the heat in here. I couldn't describe the feeling. All I know is that when she took a step towards me and leant her lips up towards my ear, my heart began to race.

"Don't be nervous. If you're a bad dancer I won't know anyway." She joked and leant to pull away. I put my free arm around the small of her back and pulled her back towards me as group of guys stumbled along behind her, almost knocking her to the ground.

"Stay close." I told her as I clung to her body. It was then I realised that I wasn't worried about myself anymore, I was worried about her. I knew she could take care of herself, but in here she was vulnerable, and I wanted to keep her safe. She nodded and I felt myself relax, but I kept my arm where it was. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that part of me didn't want to let her go. We were really dancing now. She moved her hips in slow circles as she rested her hands on my shoulders. I went along with it, not caring that I might have looked like an idiot, not caring that she was blind. I was with her, and that was all I cared about. We knew how to take care of each other.

* * *

I held onto her hand tightly and only half listened to the story she was telling. We'd danced for a long time, and when we'd made our way back to the table, the guys had left. I'd gotten a text from Carlos that read '_Decided to head off, looks like you're in good hands. Have fun. Take care of her.' _If only he knew just how much I planned to. We were sitting again now, but my hand stayed firmly clasped with hers the whole time. I don't know why, but it didn't feel weird, it felt like the easiest thing in the world. I'd lost track of what she was saying a while ago and now I was just staring at her, taking in her appearance and trying to decipher just how lucky I was to have met her all those weeks ago. I'd always thought she was beautiful, but tonight she just seemed to radiate it. She wore her hair curly again, which I really liked, and paid only slightly more attention to her makeup. She didn't need to over do it, she looked great all of the time. She was wearing a dress for the first time since I'd met her that was just the right length that showed off her long legs. I couldn't believe that I was checking her out, but I couldn't help. I'd never looked at her this way before but ever since we'd clasped hands I hadn't been able to take my eyes off of her. The sound of giggling girls torn my eyes away from her, as her friends re appeared at our table. I felt myself wishing we'd come here alone. They exchanged few muffled words and Lou got to her feet. She mouthed 'bathroom' to me as her friends pulled her through the crowd and out of sight. I felt like part of me had been ripped away, my hand feeling empty without hers. I sighed and leant back against my chair.

"Hey Kendall!" I heard coming from the side of me. Her roommate Emma had taken a seat next to me and was waving awkwardly in the now uv lighting. "Since we haven't officially met, I'm Emma." She held out her hand and I shook it politely. What was it with the girls in LA and hand shakes? It seemed a far too formal exchange in this tacky nightclub.

"Nice to meet you." She pulled her chair towards me until she was only inches away. Why did I feel like I was about the get the 'boyfriend grilling' from her best friend? Emma was attractive too, but in a completely different way. Where Lou was blonde, Emma was brunette. Where Lou was short, Emma was almost as tall as me. Where Lou's beauty was quirky and mesmerising, Emma was just generally pretty. She had nothing on Lou, not really.

"I've actually been wanting to talk to you for some time." Her face was stern and serious. I really was going to get a grilling. "I wanted to thank you, for what you did with the mugger. I really appreciate what you did for her, I worry about her all the time you know?" I only nodded, I really did know what it felt like to worry about her. "And also, I wanted to know, what's the 'deal' with you two?" And so the grilling begins. I racked my brain for an answer that was better than 'we're just friends' but none came to mind. Truthfully, with the way I'd been feeling tonight, and the feeling I had in the pit of my stomach, I would have loved to tell Emma that we had something more. But it was all still so new, for both of us. Not to mention complicated.

"We're just friends." I spat out reluctantly. Emma didn't look convinced and raised an eyebrow at me, willing me to go into further detail. "We're _really_ good friends. She's been helping me through some stuff and we've been hanging out a lot. There's not much else to tell. But she is an incredible girl, I really care about her." I tried to sound convincing, but I wasn't even fooling myself. Emma just smiled at me deviously and shook her head. I wondered if she could see right through me.

"She is incredible isn't she? I don't know what I'd do without her." Emma smiled at me one last time, and slowly got to her feet.

"Was it hard? When she lost her sight." The question fell out of me before I could even think twice about it. Since we'd started hanging out on a regular basis I'd become more and more intrigued about Lou's condition. I decided against asking her directly out of fear of upsetting her. Asking her best friend was probably a risky move, but I wanted to know as much about Lou as I possibly could. I planned on keeping her around for a long time. Emma eyed me curiously, but sat back down, scooting herself even closer to me.

"It was _really_ hard. She fell apart over the first couple of months, and it was just heartbreaking watching someone you care about break down and knowing there wasn't anything I could say or do to make it easier. But she's a tough one. It took some time but she accepted it, and I have so much respect for her for doing that. I don't think I ever could." I listened intently and soaked up every word that came out of Emma's mouth. "Honestly, she puts on a front with everybody. I'm the only friend in her life now that knew her before the operation. A lot of people couldn't deal with it, and she lost a lot of friends that just didn't know how to be around her anymore. She pretends to the world that she's just a happy go lucky girl, which she is, but I know how insecure she is with new people. She scared by what they'll think, or how they'll treat her. She has never EVER wanted anyone's pity." I felt my heart go out to Lou, I guess I never appreciated just how hard it must have been for her to deal with. I'd never respected two people in my life, the way I respected both Lou and Emma. Because through everything, Emma had put her friend first, and stuck by her know matter what. That kind of friendship was hard to come by. I thought of Carlos, and the way he'd done that for me too.

"I'm really glad she met you Kendall." She said again after a short while. I noticed that she had tears in her eyes, but looked as though she was trying incredible hard not to let them fall. She carried on. "I haven't seen her have more than a single conversation with a guy in almost two years, her life has been all about her condition, and all the things she can't do. She thinks because she's blind that she can't date, and that no one will want to date her. She always see's the dark side. I don't know what you two are to each other, but I'm only going to ask one thing of you…promise me that you won't hurt my friend." Her tears had started to fall, and I'd been paying such close attention to her story I hadn't noticed her hand pressed firmly over mine. I placed my other over the top of it and looked her directly in the eye.

"I promise you, I would never hurt her. Never." It was the easiest promise I'd ever made in life.

**Longest chapter yet. Next one coming very soon, I basically have it finished already. Thoughts anyone? Any constructive criticism or plot ideas?**


	6. Cover Girl

**Guys, this chapter was SO much fun to write! Its my favourite yet. I felt like Kendall and Lou needed more dialogue, So i went nuts! I might have gotten a little soppy too! Hope you like! REVIEW :)**

"You sure you're gonna be okay without me?" Lou asked as I shoved handfuls of clothes into her suitcase. After giving me a run down of everything she wanted to take to Australia with her, I'd offered to pack for her. She hadn't protested. Not because it would have been difficult for her, but out of sheer laziness instead. Emma had been offered some work over there that she couldn't refuse, and Lou had offered to go with her. She'd only be gone ten days, but I didn't want her to go. I hadn't known her long but I already considered her one of my best friends. I couldn't get my head around not seeing her for ten days, just the thought of it physically hurt.

"Of course I will. If you're worried about some sort of relapse then forget about it. It wouldn't be worth the earful I'd get when you got back." I smiled the best I could and lied through my teeth. Truthfully, if I were going to relapse at any point, it would be in the next ten days. It was mostly Lou keeping me sane and making me happy. The thought of her not being around to keep me in check scared me. I didn't know what I was capable of.

I pilled the last lot of Lou's clothes into her suitcase and zipped it up. She sat cross-legged on her bed opposite me and twirled a strand of hair around her finger. It was early in the morning and she was still wearing the shorts and t-shirt she'd slept in last night, yet she still looked great. She smiled up at me and me stomach did an annoying flip that seemed to be happening more frequently every time we were together.

"Earful? More like a serious ass kicking!" I laughed and walked over to join her on her bed. Her flight was in a few hours so I silently sent out prayers, asking whoever might have been listening to cancel their flight so she could stay with me. _She was only going for ten days, what the hell was wrong with me? _I shook my thoughts away and leaned over to pull her in for a hug. My arms slipped around her waist and hers instantly wrapped around my neck. It had become as easy as breathing. I pulled our bodies together tighter and sighed into her shoulder. I couldn't help but notice how well we fit together, and hoped that somewhere in the back of her mind she felt it too.

"I'm really going to miss you." I whispered so quietly I wasn't sure she'd hear me.

"I'll miss you too." She said as she moved a hand up to stroke my hair. I felt my eyes close as she ran her fingers through it and then down the back of my neck. I was completely lost in her, and it was killing me.

"Kendall if you don't let go of me at some point then I'm going to miss my flight." She moved her hands away from me and was trying to wriggle free. I gripped onto her tighter and buried my head further into her shoulder.

"Good!" I said into her skin. It was muffled but she heard me. She more she tried to get away the tighter I held on. She laughed hysterically as I pulled her down onto the bed. It was a beautiful sound. When I finally let her go she was flustered and irritated. She playfully punched me on the arm and I watched her as she made her way over to her closet. She was so familiar with her surroundings that she didn't have to think twice about where she was walking, but I wasn't surprised. I'd hung out with her enough to know that she knew all of LA like the back of her hand, and could walk down the street backwards and still know where she was going. I thought back to last week and my conversation with Emma. I couldn't believe she hadn't dated in almost two years. Guys came on to her all the time, I know I'd seen it, but I found it so strange that not once had she given any of them a shot. Not even more than a few words or a slightly pleasant exchange. Even with men that didn't hit on her, she had no male friends either. Until she met me.

"Lou, I have another awkward question for you." I asked shyly as I lay back onto her bed and rested my head on her pillow.

"Should I be sitting down for this?" She popped her head around one of the doors to her closet and eyed me curiously.

"Do you have an idea what I might look like? I mean, can you sort of, picture me in your head?" She walked away from her closet and towards me slowly. She perched herself at the end of the bed and I sat up and scooted closer, already intrigued by what she might say.

"Well, I sort of have an idea. I know you're tall – maybe around 6ft. You're slim too. Not scrawny but – athletic. And you're hair is shorter around the ears than it is on the top. You also have this weird tuft of hair at the bottom of you're neck that's always felt like a tail to me." I smiled and took her hand. I slid closer to her, not wanting to miss a single word that came out of her captivating mouth. "You have strong hands, but you bite your nails." She brushed a hand across my cheek and along my jaw line. My eyes closed instinctively and I felt a shiver run down my spine. "You always have a little stubble, but never a beard." She moved her hand slowly, and next ran the tips of her fingers down my neck towards my collarbone. "And you have a nice neck. That's about all I need to know." She pulled her hands away from me and rested them in her lap. I felt as though I'd been woken up from a cruel dream and my eyes fluttered open. I wanted her to keep touching me. She was sitting opposite me again, only she was a lot closer now. Her face was neutral, but I could see sadness in her eyes. I knew why she was sad. I was sad too. I wished more than anything that she could see me. That she could put a face my voice. Sometimes life was too cruel. I'd have given anything to have known her before she lost her sight. We would have been really good friends then too, and after her operation I'd have stuck by her. I'd have helped her learn to live with her disability and comforted her when it all became too much. But mostly I wish she could see what I was about to do.

"Also for the record, my eyes are jade green, my hair is dark blonde, I have ridiculously bushy eyebrows and my nose is slightly too big for my face." The whole time I spoke I slowly leant my face closer to hers. She laughed at my confession and I felt her breath of my face. She must have noticed how close I was to her because she froze, her pale blue eyes focused directly on mine. I wanted so badly to kiss her. To pretend for second that I wasn't a recovering addict and that she wasn't blind, but that we were just two people that wanted more than anything to kiss. I swallowed hard, and pulled away slowly. It was way too soon, and our lives were both so complicated. And I'd had absolutely no inkling from her that she might have felt the same way. I had a feeling that we were always just going to be friends. The thought was bitter sweet.

"Also, just in case you'd forgotten. You're really beautiful." I meant every word, and I brushed a strand of blonde hair out of her face as I spoke. Before I'd even straightened up I felt Lou's arms around my shoulders again. Even in this situation they were oddly comforting. For lack of my better judgement I put my arms around her. It was still as easy as breathing.

"Thank you." She said quietly into my ear. For a while we just sat there. I no longer remembered how much I was going to miss her, and she no longer cared about missing her flight. In this moment it was just us. "Kendall your hearts going crazy." Only after she'd set it did I notice how fast my heart was beating, but Lou had always had that effect on me.

"I know."

* * *

Dropping Lou off at the airport was hard. I'd stood hand in hand with her at the gate, not wanting to let her go. We exchanged a quick hugged before she flashed security her passport and Emma pulled her through the gates and out of sight. I already felt like half a person. I had no idea that one person could alter your life so drastically after only knowing them a couple of months. Honestly, I felt like I'd always known her.

When I got home, I practically dragged myself up the stairs to my apartment. I yanked the door open and threw myself down on the couch. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't Lou out off my mind. Deciding there was no point in trying to fight it, I closed my eyes and let my mind wander. I thought back to the first time I'd met her, how scared and vulnerable she'd been. I wished I could go back to that night and kick seven shades of shit out of that guy! But mostly I just thought about her face. It haunted me, but in a way that made me never want to wake up. She was perfect. She was like the ultimate cover girl. Suddenly I felt something tugging at the back of my brain, something I hadn't felt in a really long time. I needed to write something down. I grabbed the nearest pen I could find, and deciding not to attempt to find paper, scribbled a few words onto my coffee table. I hadn't written music in so long, that it almost felt alien to me, but the words kept coming so I kept on writing. After a while my whole table was covered in random sentences, paragraphs and black scribbles. I felt lighter, the way I always used to when I wrote songs. I put down the pen and headed for my closet. It was a train wreck inside it, but I pushed one arm as far back into it as I possibly could until I clasped my hand around the neck of my guitar. It hadn't seen the light of day in a year, so I carried it gently over to the couch and began casually strumming. This whole situation felt very strange to me. The part of me that wrote songs and loved music, was the part of me I'd forgotten about. I silently thanked Lou again for what she'd done for me, and did something I hadn't done in a really long time.

_"I don't know why you always get so insecure."_

I started to sing.

**Soooo whatcha think :)? Was i a little too corny? Not corny enough? Do you like where the stories going? Let me know :)!**

**P.s. Do you know how hard it was to write about Kendall's 'flaws'? In my eyes he has none, so I felt dreadful saying 'his nose is too big for his face.' His nose is PERF!**


	7. Love

**Hope you liked the last chapter, because I have more cheese coming your way ;) Chapter 7!**

_'I don't know why you always get so insecure _

_I wish you could see what I see every day its getting clearer  
And why won't you believe me when I say  
That to me you get more beautiful, everyday_

When you're dreaming bout the magazines  
And thinking that you'll never measure up  
You're wrong

Cause you're my cover, cover girl  
I think you're a superstar, yeah you are  
Why don't you know  
Yeah, you're so pretty that it hurts  
It's what's underneath your skin  
The beauty that shines within  
You're the only one that rocks my world  
My cover girl  
Oh, oh, oh, oh, my cover girl  
Oh, oh, oh, oh

You walk in rain boots on a perfect summer day  
Somehow you always see the dark side, when everything's okay  
And you wear baggy clothes that camouflage your shape  
Whoa, but you know that I love you, just the way you're made  
[ Lyrics from: b/big+time+rush/cover+girl_ ]  
When you're dreaming bout the magazines  
And thinking that you're just not good enough  
You're so wrong, baby

Cause you're my cover, cover girl  
I think you're a superstar, yeah you are  
Why don't you know  
Yeah, you're so pretty that it hurts  
It's what's underneath your skin  
The beauty that shines within  
You're the only one that rocks my world  
My cover girl

Got a heart of gold, a perfect original  
Wish you would stop being so hard on yourself for awhile  
And when I see that face  
I'd try a thousand ways  
I would do anything to make you smile

Cause you're my cover, cover girl  
I think you're a superstar, yeah you are  
Why don't you know  
Yeah, you're so pretty that it hurts  
It's what's underneath your skin  
The beauty that shines within  
You're the only one that rocks my world  
My cover girl  
Oh woah oh oh, my cover girl  
Oh woah oh oh, my cover girl

Whoa oh, my cover girl  
Whoa oh, my cover girl'

"Dude…" Carlos said as I strummed the last note of the song and placed my guitar down next to me. "You really wrote that?"

"Yeah, when I got back from dropping Lou off yesterday it just came to me. I had to write it down. What do you guys think?" They just shook their heads in awe, and it was a while before any of them said a thing.

"It awesome! It's exactly what we needed! Guys, we need to get back out there!" Logan yelled enthusiastically as he jumped up from his spot on the couch and waved his hands around ecstatically. "So we haven't got a TV show anymore, big fucking deal! People make it on their own all the time!" Out of all of us, Logan was the most enthusiastic about his dreams. We all wanted to perform, but I'd like the think if it wasn't an option, me Carlos and James could find new carriers. I doubted Logan ever could. Logan would go to the ends of the earth to make himself famous.

"Kendall, the song is great! I know how hard it must have been for you to do." Carlos said as he patted me hard on the back. I wanted to tell him that writing this song was the easiest thing I'd ever done, but I bit my tongue and took in the situation. The guys liked the song, and wanted us to get the band going. My brain buzzed with excitement at the idea of writing and singing again and I couldn't help smile triumphantly as they all happily spewed ideas back and forth.

"It's a beautiful song, but we need is more songs, and a live gig. This is LA right? Its not like it's going to be difficult for us to book a small show." James added as he furiously made notes on a pad.

"Maybe we need a manager?" Carlos asked us.

"Its too early for that. I agree with James, we need more music and then a gig. If we're good we'll hopefully get more shows, and then a manager might find us." I said, as the guys stared down at me. I was the only one still sitting, and they were all smiling down at me like I was some kind of miracle. I suppose I was. I guarantee none of them ever thought I'd be back to my normal self. I could see their excitement in their eyes. The band wasn't dead, because neither was I. I was just sorry it had taken so long for me to get back on board.

"This is kind of gay, but welcome back man!" James said awkwardly as he pulled me to my feet and into a 'guy hug.'

"We missed you dude." Now Logan had his arms around me too. It was almost too gay to believe, but I didn't care. All I could do was laugh and blink back embarrassing tears as the guys I never thought would forgive me tightened their arms around me.

"If you guys are done with your three-way-gay love affair, I think we need to write our first song together." Carlos gestured to a note pad in his hands, and Logan and James released me. They were across the room in seconds, already bouncing ideas back and forth when Carlos came over to me.

"Great song. Clearly you've got it bad." He stated with a knowing smile. I felt my face flush reluctantly and turned away from him, pretending to carry my guitar into the other room.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" I called over my shoulder, but he was already following me.

"Oh please! That song couldn't have been more about Lou if you'd tried," He playfully bumped my shoulder, but I ignored him, zipping my guitar into its case. "But, I can't say I'm surprised."

"What do you mean?" I turned to face him and all the humour was gone from his expression – a wise and serious one in its place.

"She basically saved your life Kendall. This time two months ago I didn't think you'd live to see this day, and here you are."

"I still don-"

"She brought you back from the dead. How could you not be in love with her?" Carlos looked satisfied as he headed back to Logan and James. I said nothing in return, I just followed him, the word 'love' still ringing in my ears.

* * *

We were up until all hours of the morning, but we finally got another song together. None of us could agree on anything. I wanted to stay with a more acoustic sound, and James insisted that we wrote dance music.

"You don't get it! Like it or not, we're a boy band, and every other boy band in America has sang dance music!" James yelled at me as I sipped my can of red bull.

"Exactly! Don't you think we should try something different!?" I exclaimed but James just threw his hands up in the air in defeat.

"You're not listening to me! They all sang dance music for a reason! It worked for them! Say what you like, but you know as well as me that today's charts are dominated by dance music. Plus if we play live gigs, what do you think the crowd will remember more? A fast and catchy tune they can dance too, or a repetitive and dull slow song played on guitar?" I had to admit James had a point. After a while I gave in and agreed to the dance music, with one condition that I could write some slower and more meaningful songs for us to play as well. They agreed, saying we could use them as 'warm down' songs in the middle of shows.

All in all, we were all happy with the song we'd now named 'Elevate.' And after very little discussion we agreed that mine was called 'Cover Girl.' Not that any other name would have been at all appropriate. Except maybe 'Elouise.'

It was about six thirty in the morning and I was in a cab back to my apartment. I was exhausted, but I'm glad we'd done it. I couldn't believe we now had two songs! Everything had started to feel way more real, and I couldn't help but feel hopeful that this would work out for us. My cell buzzed in my pocket and I held it up to my face without checking the name.

"Hello?" I sounded half asleep.

"Hey pretty boy!" Lou chirped happily on the other end of the line. Man, I already missed her so much. And the annoying little nickname she had for me. I sighed into the handset, already soothed by her voice.

"Hey! How was your flight?"

"Awesome! Emma is super scared of flying so she got a little tipsy on the plane! The rest of the passengers complained about her three times." Lou laughed hysterically as Emma protested from her end of the phone. I couldn't help but laugh too, the sound was contagious. "Anyway I have to go, I just wanted to let you know I'd landed real quick. I'll call you later!" She chirped at me before handing up the phone. I couldn't help feeling a little jealous. I felt like Australia had stolen her from me. But all I had to do way make it through the next nine days. Me and the guys had plans to meet up again tonight to maybe get some more ideas together for songs, so hopefully I wouldn't be short of things to do.

I lay my head back against the seat and thought back over the last few hours. I'd done so much, and taken some huge steps, but I kept coming back to what Carlos had said to me. The thought burned in the back of my mind.

_How could you not be in love with her?_

* * *

I was more excited than I'd like to admit. Me Carlos, James and Logan were at the airport, and in few minutes I'd get to see Lou again. As productive as these last few days had been, I still felt like part of me was missing. I missed her sarcastic tone and the way she played with her hair when she was bored and I missed the way she made me feel about myself – like a wasn't a total loser, but a regular guy worthy of her time. I checked my watch for the fiftieth time and bounced nervously on my heels. _What if she'd been held up, or there had been a problem on her flight? What if we'd gotten something mixed up and she was flying into a different airport? _As if sensing my anxiety Carlos placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

"Dude calm down, she'll be here soon." I smiled at him and nodded. I knew I was acting crazy, but I was just so excited. I wanted to tell her everything that had happened. I wanted to let her about the songs we'd written, and how she'd inspired me. It was a miracle I hadn't run through airport security to get to her faster.

Just as I was about to lose it I spotted Emma, getting onto the escalator with her suitcase. She looked the same as she usually did, but way more exhausted. I bet she'd barely stopped working the whole time they were away. Then I saw her. Only a few feet behind Emma, red faced and flustered as she struggled to get her case onto the steps. I saw the guys move towards them in my peripheral vision, but I was frozen on the spot. I watched her as she mouthed something to Emma and then laugh at her response. I watched her brush her hair behind her ears and fiddle with the handle of her case. My heart was acting up again and I felt myself break into a sweat. My knees had gone weak and I was afraid if I tried to take a single step they'd buckle under my weight. My breath was coming out in short fast bursts and I felt my face flush. I raised a shaky hand to my face and wiped the few beads of sweat away. I was so naïve. I wasn't oblivious to my feelings at all, in fact I was very aware of them. There was a reason I wanted so badly to kiss her. There was a reason I always felt the need to protect her. There was a reason the song she had inspired was so beautiful. It was because she was beautiful. And I cannot believe it took me all this time to realise how hopelessly in love with her I was.

**Thoughts :)?**


	8. Kiss

**Chapter 8...enjoy :)**

I was still frozen on the spot. I could see the guys making their way towards the escalator to meet them but I couldn't bring myself to move. _I was in love with her_. It dawned on me that this shouldn't be a bad thing, but deep down I felt like it was. Lou was amazing. She was inspirational, and beautiful, and what was I in comparison? A recovering addict with nothing to offer her. With the exception of my heart. I watched as Logan and James threw their arms around Emma and Carlos helped Lou with her bags. I mentally shook myself and ran in her direction. I weaved quickly in and out of the crowd of people, the whole time not taking my eyes off of her. Suddenly I couldn't get to her fast enough. Everything around me seemed to fade away, and all I could see was her, looking as carefree as usually and vigorously chatting away to the group. The sound of my footsteps behind them snapped everybody out of it, and for a moment the conversation ceased. Lou turned to face me and smiled. It should freak me out that she could always sense when I was around, but it didn't.

"Kendall?" She asked in my general direction. My heart swelled just hearing her voice, and I don't think I've ever been happier to see a person in my entire life. A flood of joy came over me – something I hadn't felt in a very long time. I threw my arms around her and pulled her close to me.

"Hey you." I whispered so only she would hear me. "Welcome back." I straightened up, pulling her feet off of the ground and swinging her around in my arms as she laughed at the gesture. Even the sound of her laugh made me want to kiss her. _I wanted to kiss her more than anything. _When I finally put her down she looked even more flustered than before. I picked up her case as she linked her arm through mine and we followed Emma and the guys out of the airport.

"So, did you two have fun?" I asked her. She sighed and rested her head against my shoulder."Well, since Emma worked the _entire _time, I spent most of the trip alone in my hotel or alone at the beach. Which to me, just felt like being in LA anyway. It was a fucking waste of time if you ask me." I noticed she had her eyes closed as I guided her through the doors of the airport and towards Logan's car. She must have been exhausted.

_You should have stayed with me. _I thought as I took in the familiar feel of her body next to mine.

"Or better yet, next time come with us! I swear everyone in Australia is sober all the time, you'd fit in great!" I hadn't realised I'd said that out loud. I guess my mind was all over the place at the moment.

When we reached the car, Lou was barely standing. I handed her case over to Carlos who packed it into the trunk, and after guiding her arms up around my neck, lifted her feet off the ground and gently placed her on the back seat. I slid in next to her, declining Emma's offer to sit in the passenger seat, and pulled her head onto my shoulder. She let out a long breath and drifted off to sleep in a matter of minutes.

As we made our way through LA the car buzzed with conversation. Stories about Australia and the songs we'd written bounced back and forth, but I barely paid attention. I couldn't stop looking at Lou. Her cheeks were flushed pink, and her usually straight hair was wavy at the ends and sticking up all over the place. She had her mouth open slightly and she breathed gently into the crook of my neck. I moved my hand that was resting on her shoulder up to her head and gently stroked the hair out of her face. I couldn't believe how flawless she was, even in this state. Over the last ten days I had thought about her every day and I dreamt about her face every night, and even though she wasn't gone long, my memory alone had not done her justice. She was too beautiful for even my imagination to comprehend. I quickly glanced up and caught Carlos' eye from her other side. He was staring at me, a sly smile on his face. He knew better than I did how I felt about her. My expression must have said it all. He nodded at me approvingly and looked back and forth between us, not wanting to wake her up by talking. He seemed to want me to go for it. I made a mental note to talk to him about it in private. Everyone could see how good she was for me, but it was the insecurity I held at the back of my mind that made me believe I wasn't good for her. I had to decide what I was going to do. Was I going to confess everything and more than likely ruin our friendship, or try to forget about it and pretend like nothings different? After all there was no substitute in losing a friend like Lou. Either way, everything sucked. I thought falling in love was supposed to be fun? I silently wished I had something to take the edge off.

* * *

"Pleeeeeeeese Kendall!" Lou begged me for the hundredth time today.

"The answer is still no sweetheart." I yelled across the room at her. We were at Lou's place and she sat pouting on the couch while I fixed us some drinks. She'd heard from everyone about the song I'd written, but after my stroke of clarity at the airport, I'd decided I didn't want her to hear it. Well actually part of me did, but I was more nervous than I'd like to admit to play it for her now. But she wasn't letting it go. In fact she'd been bugging me to sing it to her for the whole three days she'd been back from Australia. I wanted to tell her. Being able to sing her my feelings would be so much easier than having an awkward conversation, but my brain was still so fucked up. Until I was sure about my decision, she wasn't going to hear Cover Girl.

I carried two glasses of water through her apartment, placed them on the table in front of us and sat down next to her. She looked quite upset. I placed a hand on her shoulder but she just shook it off. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked in a voice so small you wouldn't believe that it came out of me.

"Yeah a little. Why the fuck can't I hear this song? We're supposed to be best friends!" She moved around on the couch to face me, but she kept her distance. I could hear the hurt in her voice, and I didn't like it. The fact that I'd caused it made me like it even less.

"This isn't about you! It's just – not great at the moment. I'm still working on it. And it's embarrassing!" I tried my best to lie but it was no use.

"Bullshit. I'm not an idiot Kendall. There's a reason you won't play me that song and I want to know why!" I'd never heard her get angry before, I found it unsettling. The serious tone in her voice didn't suit her at all. I wanted her to smile and laugh, and I never wanted to see her upset ever again. I stayed silent, not trusting myself to come up with a convincing enough lie. Lou looked down and fiddled with the ends of her hair, they way she always did when she was frustrated. My eyes moved to her lips and lingered there. I swear all I'd though about since before she left two weeks ago was kissing her. I played it over in my head – how it might go or how it might feel. Every time I was with her I felt like throwing caution to the wind and pressing my lips to hers so fiercely, you'd think it was the last thing I'd ever do. I absently slid closer towards her and she played with her hair. She let out a deep sign and looked up at me. Her beautiful blue eyes dazzled me the way they always did."Don't be embarrassed. You can trust me. I love you Kendall." I swear at that moment my heart stopped. My breath hitched in my throat and every nerve ending in my body came alive. _Did she really just say that she loved me?_ I was so overwhelmed by everything I hadn't noticed her had resting on my knee. I felt something inside me say _fuck it_.

"What do you mean you love me?" I asked with the steadiest voice I could manage. I put every ounce of self-control I had into not stuttering.

"I mean that I love you, you're my best friend." Her grip on my knee tightened. My heart sank as I heard her say 'friend' but I wasn't going back now.

"But, do you only love me as a friend?" I couldn't believe the words were coming out of my mouth. Sure they were quiet and week, but at least I was saying them. The expression on her face was of utter confusion and she was quiet for a long time.

"I-I, I guess I never really thought about it." Her voice had gone almost as quiet and awkward sounding as mine. I had butterflies in my stomach and I thought I might be sick. But I carried on.

"What if I told you, I didn't want to play you my song, because it's about you?" I took both her hands in mine and held on for dear life. I felt like if I let go I might fall off of the face of the earth. She looked up and forced herself to smile.

"Then I'd say that now I'm even more curious." And she laughed again. The cute throaty chuckle that I was so accustom to. The laugh that always made me want to kiss her. Without thinking I cleared the distance between us, stopping just before her lips. She went rigid all over but she didn't move. I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. I swear my heart was about to explode. I was trying to be better than this. I was trying to be realistic, but in this moment I didn't care. I felt her hands tighten around my fingers and that was it. I pressed my lips to hers, slowly and gently. It barely lasted a second before I pulled away and opened my eyes to look at her. Her eyes were still closed and I couldn't read the emotion on her face. Our lips still only millimetres apart.

"Kendall…" she whispered against my mouth, but I didn't let her finish. I did what I'd always wanted to. I pressed my lips to hers like it was last thing I was ever going to do. I instantly felt myself go light headed and my heart began to race faster than ever. For a moment she did nothing, but when I felt her arms go around my shoulders I was in ecstasy. There was no sweeter drug than her. Our lips parted and my tongue made its way into her mouth. I cupped her beautiful face in my hands and deepened the kiss further. Just when I prayed it'd never end she pulled away from my slowly. Once again I felt like part of me had been ripped away. We were both breathing heavily – the immensity of the kiss still fogging my brain. I stared at her and she stared back at me – I felt as though she could really see me – and wished I knew what the hell she was thinking.

**Thooooooooughts :D?**


	9. Hurt

**9! Review :)!**

I was sitting on Carlos' couch, my guitar balanced on my knee, staring down at a blank sheet of paper. I really wasn't in the right frame of mind to be writing songs. Not after what happened. James and Logan sat across from me, occasionally singing a few bars of a song they were working on and conferring with each other. Ever since we'd started writing music again, I'd been really into it. Effortlessly dreaming up lyrics and working with the guys to put them to music. I felt like we were doing everything right, but not today. I leaned back against the cushion and stared up at the ceiling. It was impossible to try and write a good song when all I could think about was Lou, and the argument we'd had earlier. I'd stormed out of her apartment without looking back, and I'd felt awful about it ever since. Not to mention the emptiness I felt at knowing that I couldn't just call her up and say I. I'd fucked everything up because of one rash move, and I didn't feel like I could fix it. Not after everything I'd said. I thought about how easy it'd be to just walk out of this apartment and find the nearest bar and drink until I didn't feel like this anymore. It seemed so much more appealing now. Lou was the only thing keeping me sober, but now she'd just about broken my heart. I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to hide away and pretend I'd never met her, and part of me wished I were still with her now. Still kissing her, and her kissing me back.

"You okay dude?" Carlos asked as he carried a plate of nachos back from the kitchen.

"I kissed her." I blurted out, still looking up at the ceiling. I wasn't in the mood to lie to my friends, or to pretend like I was perfectly fine when in reality I felt like been stabbed in the chest. No one said anything. When I finally looked back down the guys were staring at me, blank expressions on their faces. I sighed and set my guitar down next to me.

"When?" James finally asked.

"About an hour ago actually." I said grabbing a handful of nachos.

"So why do you look so miserable?" Logan asked as they all got up and made their way over to me. Clearly they'd figured out that it hadn't gone well.

"Because I am. It was a disaster!" I yelled, my voice full of anger. Anger at myself mostly. I grabbed another handful of nachos.

"Tell us what happened." Carlos said flatly as he handed me the entire plate. Reluctantly I told the story, not really wanting to re live what had happened.

* * *

I stared at her, my breathing was heavy and irregular. Hers was too. Her face was flushed pink from the kiss. I willed her desperately to say something. Anything would do as long as she said something first. I didn't trust myself to speak. I had this hollow feeling in the bottom of my stomach telling me I'd done something wrong. She played with a stand of her hair, she always did that when she was anxious. _What the hell was going through her head?_ I'd have given anything right now to be able to tell.

"Well that was unexpected." She said finally after avoiding the situation for as long as she possibly could. I scanned her face for any kind of hint to what she was feeling. I found nothing. Her expression was blank. Void of all emotion.

"Why?" I asked, my voice small and weak. I hated that that always happened when I needed to sound confident.

"Obviously because I didn't expect it. It kind of came out of no where." Her voice was steady. She could have been talking about anything in the world. It sounded like this conversation meant nothing to her, when to me it was everything. The idea that it might mean nothing knocked the air out of me. _If she didn't feel the same way then why did she kiss me back?_

"Bullshit!" Suddenly I was angry with her. I didn't know why. All I knew was that she was making out like that kiss had meant nothing to her. Even after she'd kissed me back. "Don't try and tell me that you have no idea how I feel about you. You know the effect you have on me. How could you not see it!?" I was yelling at her now and I didn't like it, but I was suddenly furious. I watched her own expression change to anger and dreaded what she might say in return.

"See it?" Her voice was low and bitter. "I'm blind in case you'd forgotten Kendall! I don't s_ee_ these things because I can't fucking see!" The venom in her words only made me madder.

"Don't pull that shit with me! This has nothing to do with you being blind!" My voice was growing louder and louder. I didn't want to scream at her, but I was hurt and embarrassed, and people do irrational things when they're hurt.

"Then enlighten me! What is this about!?" Lou exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air in defeat.

"We just kissed Lou! And you're acting like it was nothing! Didn't you feel anything!? Don't you have anything to say to me!?" I half yelled and half begged her. I wished more than anything that I could take that kiss back and that we could be talking about anything else right now.

"I didn't ask you to kiss me Kendall." She said quietly after a while. Her expression was different now. Her eyes looked dark and sad.

"I didn't ask to fall in love with you. But these things happen." I couldn't believe the words had come out of my mouth. I'd told her I love her. I fought the urge to reach out and take her hand. The sad expression on her face was more apparent now. I noticed tears well up in her eyes and wanted more than anything to hug her tightly to me. But I didn't. She was silent for a long time.

"What do you want me to say?" She finally asked me. She was really crying now, the tears coming down her cheeks rapidly. She wasn't yelling anymore.

"Its simple. You either love me back, or you don't." My voice was relatively strong, but my whole body was shaking. I didn't think anything would have been more nerve racking than tell Lou that I loved her, but waiting to find out if she loved me back was so much worse. I scrunched my eyes closed and in this moment was grateful that she couldn't see me. I felt like I might hyperventilate.

"Of course I love you Kendall. You're my best friend." She said as she reached over and took my hand in hers, desperation and panic in her voice. I wanted to hold onto her hand and tell her that I was sorry, but deep down I knew that I'd already crossed a line. We couldn't pretend this had never happened, just like I couldn't pretend like I was fine just being her best friend. I wasn't. And as much as I wanted her in my life, it wasn't fair to myself. Reluctantly I pulled my hand from her grasp. A hurt look flashed across her face, but it was nothing compared to how much it had hurt me to do it.

"Then why did you let me kiss you? Why didn't you stop me if you don't feel that was about me?" I felt like I was breaking apart inside. Like I was torturing myself by asking her all these questions, knowing I wouldn't like the answers. My subconscious told me to get up and run. She looked shocked. Tears were still rolling down her cheeks as she racked her brain for answer.

"I-I don't know." She mumbled, her head hanging low in embarrassment.

I didn't have anything else to say. I got to my feet and walked swiftly to the door. Noticing me move Lou jumped up from the couch and called after me.

"Where are you going?" She cried out, her voice cracking in between sobs.

"You have no idea what you've done for me Lou. You saved my life, and I'm so grateful for that. But I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you, and I'm sorry, but I can't sit here listen to this anymore. It shouldn't be a bad thing that I've fallen in love with you, but we both know it is. Deep down I guess we both know that I'm not good enough for you." I felt tears fall from my eyes and was grateful again that she couldn't see me. I turned on my heels and walked straight out of the apartment, thankful that I was already too far away to make out what she was yelling after me.

* * *

"Dude…" Was all Carlos could say when I finished telling them the story. James patted me reassuringly on the shoulder and said nothing. I don't blame them. Re telling the story made me even more aware of how fucked up it had been. I thought of Lou crying in her apartment, terrified of losing her friend as I walked away from her. I wondered if she was still upset. I wondered if Emma had come home and found her alone. It dawned on me that I'd probably hurt her as much as she'd hurt me. I'd stormed out and left her alone and crying and she'd returned my kiss and then made out that it meant nothing to her. We'd both been bad friends today.

* * *

After deciding I didn't have it in me to write another song I left Carlos', and made my way back to my place. I pushed through the main door to my apartment building and made my way up the stairs. It was around two am, and I was drained. Intense and heart breaking arguments really took a lot out of you. I reached my door and took out my keys, but hesitated a while. The urge to make this all go away was so strong that I desperately considered turned around and knocking on the door behind me. It wouldn't take much, and in a few hours I would have completely forgotten about Lou and the kiss that ruined everything. I tried to push any pang of guilt I felt from my head and turned around on the spot. Absently I thought about Carlos and how he'd said he couldn't look after me anymore. I thought about Logan and James and how excited they were that we'd gotten the band together. I thought about my family, and how proud they were of me for getting clean. I swallowed a lump that had risen in my throat and raised my hand to the door.

**I realize this is a really mean place to leave you but,**  
**I'm going on holiday tomorrow for 10 days, so I won't be updating for a while. Got big plans for what happens next though. I'm planning on writing some Lou POV. Anyway let me know what you think and i'll read it in 10 days.**

**Expect updates within 10-14 days :)**


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